Pitchfork

Hi, my name is Steven Spielberg. I'm the director of such films as "Raiders of the Lost Ark," "Jaws," and "Always." Oh, you don't remember "Always?" Richard Dreyfuss flew firefighting planes and died. It's a simple love story. Man, I can't believe you haven't seen that movie! I spent two years of my friggin' life making that movie! It has Holly Hunter, it has John Goodman, and it's the last movie ever to feature Katherine Hepburn-- she plays a lovely angel. I mean, I just checked Amazon.com and "Always" is the #1 best- selling video and DVD in Beaverton, Oregon, and you mean to tell me you've never heard of it?!

I'm just feeling a touch grumpy. See, I run this record label, Dreamworks. My true love has always been rock n' roll. When I first heard Henry Rollins, I said to myself, "I have to put out this guy's friggin' records!" When I was in New York receiving some lifetime achievement award from some group, I stopped in this little club to pound down some E.T.s-- a hard drink named after my biggest movie, which is made from Midori, Kaluha, and Milk-- and I witnessed a group that blew my mind. I said to myself, "I have to put out these Jonathan Fire*Eater records." Maybe it was the E.T.s distorting my perception because the record didn't sell. Then I tried to get Supergrass to film a TV pilot that would update the Monkees for a new generation. They turned it down. They turned me down! Steven Spielberg!

Anyway, Ash's sales performance currently brings me down. I see their new album as the "Always" of Dreamworks. It offers simple pleasures, with occasional punch and constant nostalgic sincerity. I'm not saying that "Always" is "Citizen Kane," but Kate Capshaw cried when she saw it. She was all over me after watching it. Likewise, Nu-Clear Sounds bounces on familiar ground. I'm the type of guy who likes his guitars and liquor hard. Ash pounds out heavy melody. "Wild Surf" and "A Life Less Ordinary" are the closest twenty- something boys will get to Weezer. "Numbskull" primitively screams and cudgels with masterfully simple chord structures like the Pixies' best pubescent days. Ash's beach harmonies and layered fist- strumming are textbook "power-pop." I even brought in Butch Vig to add some studio vigor. And yet the album sits still at #11,641 on Amazon.

Maybe I should get out of this crazy music game. The other day one of my talent scouts brought me this album by some group that college kids are going crazy for. It was total junk. It wasn't even as good as my cloying, saccharine career nadir, "Batteries Not Included." That's like watching "Jakob the Liar" over "Schindler's List." The only distinctive thing about the band was the singer's complete lack of singing ability. Now, Tim Wheeler from Ash-- that boy can sing. Man, I just can't catch a break. I'm going away to my island.