Is it just me, or were The Get Up Kids a whole lot less obnoxious back before they were trying so hard? Sure, they were annoying little brats back in the early lo-fi days, too. But I assure you, they were but a mere shadow of their current selves, irritant-wise. Usually, change is a positive thing for a young band, but with On a Wire, change just means putting the keyboard higher in the mix and shifting the schmaltz into overdrive. Yessir, that's our Get Up Kids! Back with twelve more cringe-inducing nasally passages that'll have you kicking your dog and praying for redemption.

True to form, this one's got a bunch of lyrics for kids who've never known real tragedy to cry to ("Don't have bruises I can show/ Scars from abuse without a blow"), and songs named after places and girls (I foresee increased sales amongst people named Hannah in Kansas), but this album is most distinct in that, like the Promise Ring's leaden Wood/Water, it marks the completion of the Missouri quintet's transition out of emo and into plain ol' generic pop.

Of course, this kind of metamorphosis doesn't happen overnight. Ever since their first LP found them an audience, the Kids have been moving farther away from the abrasive sloppiness of their early efforts (it's hard to believe that their debut was produced by Shellac's Bob Weston), slowly transforming into something a bit more user-friendly. Painful hollering grew into hollers of pain, because hey, that sensitive schtick really gets the chicks! The Red Letter Day EP showed off a bigger recording budget and a softer, gentler batch of songs. And then, despite promising continued 'development' with their subsequent move to the Vagrant label, Something to Write Home About reeked with uncertainty. Some of the kids, it seemed, weren't quite ready for the big time-- and it came across in the songs, which teetered somewhere between the Kids' early underground screeching and the new, 'accessible' sound that by then seemed inevitable.

Well, a few screaming stadiums full of horny underaged Weezer fans later and the transformation is complete: On a Wire has that glossy veneer that only happens with the help of a good decisive manager, a fast-talking label guy with All The Answers, and that bloodthirsty, all-encompassing desire for yet another Big Tour.

And it'll probably work: the Kids are undoubtedly packing their bags as we speak to go peddle this inferior product. Will they succeed in tricking the teeming masses of sweaty teenage flesh into believing that the occasional appearance of an acoustic guitar means maturation? Only those who've been ruthlessly brainwashed and tortured by the vacuous hype machine will care to find out! But if I'm to continue to hold the least of faith in humanity, then I must suspect that lines like, "Say the words so slow/ Say it without fear/ You won't turn to go/ You won't leave me here," just might be a bit too much to stomach-- even for Get Up Kids fans.

Now, naturally, you don't need me to tell you all this. Chances are you already fall into one of two categories: people who already own this album, or people who know better. Either way, you've already made your decision. Which leaves me, the critic, feeling useless, rejected, depressed. Hey, wait a minute. Rejected? Depressed? Those are the kinds of things sensitive guys feel, right? And I have a guitar right over there. And I don't know how to sing. Hot damn! Maybe I can make a hit record, go on tour and have sex with underaged girls a whole lot, too! Yippee! I mean, sob.