Pitchfork

Our esteemed Editor- In- Chief and Slapping Boy, Ryan Schreiber, asked me the other day, "Y'like Ozzy?" And I responded, "Well, he's aged better than Mick Jagger."

Well, Mick, I owe ya an apology. While my white- trash teen friends were wholeheartedly worshipping Osbourne, I always assumed that there had to be something good about the guy. Hell, he fronted Black Sabbath, and that ain't nothin to sneeze at, right? Sniff. Pass the hankie, please? After listening to The Ozzman Cometh over and again, searching for that bit of black gold that must be the special Ozzy spark, I came to a disturbing and upsetting conclusion: Ozzy's post- Sabbath work is (hold onto your hats) glorified hairband pseudo-goth poo-pee.

Let's get detailed now. Bitch one: although the Randy Rhodes live version of "Paranoid" is respectable, the other two Sabbath tracks, "Black Sabbath" and "War Pigs" are painfully bad "basement tapes" more appropriately dubbed "commode tapes." Second: when Ozzy tries to be sentimental, it gets ugly. (See "Goodbye To Romance.") Third, when Ozzy tries to be scary, it's funny. (See "Mr. Crowley.") Fourth: I think someone should tell Poison that Ozzy stole one of their songs. See ("Crazy Babies.") Fifth: I think someone should tell Ozzy to stop believing his own hype. (See "Bark At The Moon.") Sixth: Hey Oz, after you use the fake organ for the tenth straight time, trying to capture that "badass satan guy" sound, it gets old. (See "Back On Earth".) Otherwise, this CD fuckin' rocks!

Seriously now, this might have seemed plausible when Warrant, Bon Jovi and Poison were talkin' 'bout sweet cherry pie, but looking back, it's just embarassing. I enjoyed "No More Tears," "Over The Mountain," and, except for that jackass intro, I still have a soft spot for "Crazy Train." The Ozzman Cometh would have had a much better chance at being liked by both myself and old Sabbath fans if Ozzy had only laid that abortion of "War Pigs" to rest.

So, sorry Ozzy. Please don't hex me.