By now you've read all the really clinical stuff about the new R.E.M. record. There's no point to another in- depth discussion of it. In the past, R.E.M. was always able to find ways to reinvent "The R.E.M. Sound" just when it seemed it might be getting tired. The pop structures of Green, the pastoral, southern feel of Out of Time, the lush orchestration of Automatic for the People. But we all know that Bill Berry retired to his peanut farm, and R.E.M. has always been a band in the true sense of the word. Without Berry, Buck, Mills, and Stipe, the band found themselves in a situation in which they had to re-invent what R.E.M. is. And they did it by experimenting with various sounds and recording techniques, making the traditional "R.E.M. Sound" take a back seat to these new sonic explorations that expand on some of the elements from New Adventures in Hi-Fi.

On a few tracks, this technique works. (Listen to "Daysleeper," "Why Not Smile" or "Airportman.") On most, however, it sounds contrived and forced. (Try on the laughable Beach Boys- esque "At My Most Beautiful.") The traditional R.E.M. Sound is either buried under drum machines and tape loops or gone altogether, replaced by some of these lame musical explorations. Overall, the record is dull and tired, a work by three musicians who have lost a major part of themselves and simply just can't find their way anymore.

But enough of that crap. It's time for a take on Up from someone who's been an R.E.M. fan for almost fifteen years. Most bands that achieve that elusive rock 'n' roll anomaly known as "longevity" go through three major stages in their careers. We shall compare R.E.M. to three well- known examples: Eric Clapton, the Rolling Stones, and Aerosmith. (We won't even get into U2.)

1. The Vital Stage: This is where the band cuts their important and vital body of work. It's groundbreaking, always influential, and people talk about the songs and albums with an air of reverence for years to come. This period usually ends with the artist's landmark record. For the Rolling Stones, this includes everything up through Exile on Main Street. For Eric Clapton, it include everything up through Layla and Other Love Songs. For Aerosmith, it includes everything up through Rocks. For R.E.M., it includes everything up to Automatic for the People.

2. The Catch-Up Stage: When a band reaches this point in their career, the newer musicians that they've influenced have branched out in other directions, or a new musical style has hit the mainstream. Either way, they end up looking horribly out of place. The band overcompensates for this by releasing material that tries to make them seem hip to today's audience, or by going into self- imposed exile. Aerosmith was forced into that exile by drugs and eventually made the cock- rock- influenced albums Permanent Vacation and Pump. (Contrary to the norm, these were actually listenable records. But this is my dissertation, so there.) Eric Clapton was forced into it by drugs and depression. The Rolling Stones made disco records. For R.E.M., it was the grunge- influenced Monster.

3. The Old Fart Stage: Creatively, it's pretty much over when a band makes it to this point in their careers. Having been forced into the realization that they look pretty damned silly when they try to be hip, they settle into a mode of experimenting with different sounds and not really excelling with any of them, or they realize they can record themselves taking a shit and people will still buy. Aerosmith and the Rolling Stones are part of the "shitters." Eric Clapton does both.

R.E.M.'s last record, New Adventures in Hi-Fi, was a swansong of sorts. They revisited everything that was R.E.M. for the first fifteen years of their career. It was a rewarding record in a reminiscing sort of way. But with Up, R.E.M. proves that they're doomed to wandering the creative seas, looking for new sounds to explore. Sadly, when they find new sounds, they don't do enough with them, resulting in a distant, impersonal record. Like the Stones and Clapton are now, they'll someday be a greatest hits band, with people paying $100.00 per ticket to see some geriatric performers ride the wave of nostalgia to its crest. Your kids may someday go to an R.E.M. show thinking, "These old guys put out some really cool stuff... when my parents were kids."