Pitchfork

Cocaine, C17H21NO4, is a euphorigenic drug obtained from cocoa leaves in mostly Central and South American countries. Cocaine blocks the reuptake of the neurotransmitter dopamine at presynaptic terminals by competitively binding with the dopamine reuptake transporter, thereby influencing its user to wear tight shiny pants, which in turn inhibits lower- body blood flow.

The transporter is a protein molecule that serves the ferrying function of picking up released dopamine from the synaptic cleft and shuttling it back to the axon terminal for reuptake. Among these pathways are those believed to play a role in emotional response, especially feelings of pleasure and illusions that one is a talented songwriter. For example, under the influence of cocaine, a rock band is more likely to create a number like Spacehog's "Lucy's Shoe." These songs are typically littered with abyssmal lyrics such as "She's only got one shoe/ Lucy, don't be a fool."

Another detrimental effect of cocaine is its effect on the parasympathetic nervous system, the "fight- or- flight" mechanism, and production qualities of '70s- style glam rock. This may be a major contributing factor to sudden death (a result of the heart beating too rapidly) in cocaine overdose and artistic failure in records by bands like Spacehog. If cocaine blocks the protective parasympathetic brakes, as it appears to do, the sympathetic nervous system could proceed unchecked in accelerating the heart beat.

If cocaine interacts with the song- writing process, vocalists are more prone to use Optimus Prime effects and falsettos, drummers more prone to wear feathered boas and twirl sticks on raised arms, and guitarists more prone to sprinkle tunes with guitar- between- the- knees solos. Keyboards, too, are invariably more prone to show up unnecessarily over the already alarming presence of syrupy strings, female choirs, bongos, spacey effects, trendy Asian iconographical thievery, and better- left- in- the- rock- grave T Rex allusions.

Sensory overload triggered by cocaine's dopamine uptake inhibition is remarkably similar to the the aural overload triggered by Spacehog's The Chinese Album. Lab monkeys and rats that have been trained to press a switch that delivers an injection of cocaine, will do so up to 300 times during the course of the album, in order to receive a single dose. However, lab monkeys and rats trained to press a play button on an Aiwa trunk- changer loaded with The Chinese Album will invariably press the button a couple of times before going into the corner of the cage to defecate.

Some lab monkeys with a history of affinity towards '70s glam rock were found to quite enjoy themselves upon first listen of The Chinese Album. Coconuts, a rhesus, danced openly to the kitschy fist- pumper "Goodbye Violet Race" while "Diapers" tapped her toes to the tender "Almond Kisses" (although this was later revealed to be a result of the presence of the unknown variable "Michael Stipe" on vocals). Yet, after repeat administering of The Chinese Album, the lab monkeys quickly lost interested and were found to only truly enjoy it, ironically, after large doses of cocaine.