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Justin Timberlake Justin Timberlake
“SexyBack”

[2006]
Press releases and fashion mags will undoubtedly trumpet "SexyBack" as a triumph of chisel over pudge, the soundtrack to your daily routine of knocking out sets and knocking down Ultras with the opposite bods, but don't believe it. Fat dudes make jams, and twerps sing like angels. "SexyBack" is pretty much TimbaLake post-whatever-they're-doing, snorting Metabolite and soul-surfing with dingbats. It's a fully greased and lubed pose on the nose of a neon green longboard in the Wave Cove at Raging Waters, bereft of all the previously delirious discomfort of a pencil-necked white boy cloning another pencil-necked sorta-white boy over nü-funk symphonies courtesy of one fat Virginian.

But here we are in the Age of Dr. Fuckeyes Pharrell, the barechested lothario of mealskippers worldwide, force-fed chalky powerbars of low-rep club music, the likes of which isn't even compelling enough to remove our flappy asses from our Aerons. Even from these two superstars, we get a corny rehash not just of artists that Timberlake has already either dated or Mouseketeered with (or both), but of those artists' songs from three years ago. Take your pick: Britney's "I'm a Slave 4 U", JC Chasez and Basement Jaxx's "Plug It In", or anything with Skateboard P singing. It's all in here: the desperately moaning vocals, the bubbling rhythm, the faux-sex-crazed content. The problem? The only thing about this song that doesn't make me want to lay in bed and eat truffles is a muscular synth line that seems to be suffering from lactic burn after only a few listens. But I'm sure the video will be totally boner country (ladies, too).
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