Pitchfork

With their songs fast becoming the lifeblood of teens and 'tweens (and a handful of twentysomethings) across the globe, Arctic Monkeys will attend to their fawning public by playing a few gigs here and there. Okay, a whole heap of gigs. They'll start in San Francisco tonight, then sweep across the U.S., Canada, Japan, the UK, and mainland Europe, leaving naught but stolen sweethearts and banana peels in their wake.

No doubt you've noticed that sparkly, neon-colored cloud of buzz which surrounds our fair Monkeys at all times-- fastest selling UK debut in history, fifth best Brit record of all time (says NME), second highest U.S. indie debut, yadda yadda-- but the live circuit is where the Monkeys really strut their stuff. Not surprisingly, pretty much all of these shows sold out months ago.

Didn't nab a ticket in time? Stay home and watch Monkey Trouble, starring Thora Birch and Harvey Keitel and available for rental in the dollar section at your local Blockbuster.

Ooo-ooo, aah-aah:

03-13 San Francisco, CA - Great American Music Hall *
03-15 Los Angeles, CA - Henry Fonda Theatre *
03-17 Austin, TX - La Zona Rosa (Domino SXSW Showcase) #
03-18 Chicago, IL - Metro *
03-20 Toronto, Ontario - Air Canada Centre $
03-21 Toronto, Ontario - Phoenix Concert Theatre *
03-22 Montreal, Quebec - Spectrum de Montreal *
03-23 Boston, MA - Paradise Rock Club *
03-25 New York, NY - Webster Hall *
03-26 Philadelphia, PA - Starlight Ballroom *
03-27 Washington, DC - 9:30 Club *
03-29 Seattle, WA - Crocodile Cafe
04-02 Osaka, Japan - Zepp
04-03 Nagoya, Japan - Diamond Hall
04-04 Tokyo, Japan - Studio Coast
04-13 Nottingham, England - Rock City
04-14 Glasgow, Scotland - Carling Academy
04-15 Newcastle, England - Carling Academy
04-17 Bournemouth, England - BIC
04-18 Plymouth, England - Pavilions
04-19 Wolverhampton, England - The Civic Hall
04-21 Newport, England - Newport Centre
04-22 Rotherham, England - Magna Centre
04-23 Blackpool, England - Empress Ballroom
04-25 Hull, England - Hull Arena
04-26 Cambridge, England - Corn Exchange
04-27 London, England - Brixton Academy
04-29 Bourges, France - Le Printemps de Bourges Festival %
04-30 Lyon, France - Transbordeur
05-02 Paris, France - Batacian
05-03 Nantes, France - Olympic
05-04 Mannheim, Germany - Delta Connection
05-06 Cologne, Germany - E-Werk
05-07 Amsterdam, Holland - Paradiso
05-08 Munster, Germany - Jovel
05-09 Dresden, Germany - Alter Schlachthof
05-11 Munich, Germany - Elserhalle
05-12 Modena, Italy - Vox
05-13 Milan, Italy - Rolling Stone
05-14 Marseille, France - Le Theatre du Moulin
05-16 Barcelona, Spain - Razzmatazz 2
05-17 Madrid, Spain - Sala Heineken
05-18 Lisbon, Portugal - Garage
05-28 George, WA - The Gorge (Sasquatch Festival) ^
07-08 Naas, Ireland - Punchestown Racecourse (Oxegen Festival) &+
07-09 Balado, Scotland - T in the Park Festival &!

* with The Spinto Band
# with Archie Bronson Outfit, The Beautiful New Born Children, Black Heart Procession, Bettye LaVette
$ with Oasis
% with dEUS
^ with Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, We Are Scientists, Chad Vangaalen, The Heavenly States
& with The Who, The Strokes, Richard Ashcroft, Primal Scream, Editors, Eels, The Magic Numbers, The Go! Team
+ with James Brown, Hard-Fi
! with Felix da Housecat

Speaking of monkey movies, the Arctics have one of their own on the way. On April 10, Domino will release a DVD featuring two short films directed by Paul Fraser and inspired by the Arc-Monk smash "When the Sun Goes Down". The clips, Scummy Man and Just Another Day, depict a day in the life of a lovable prostitute named Nina and her encounter with the icky Scummy Man (played by Stephen Graham of Snatch and Gangs of New York fame). If that's a bit too heavy for you, rest assured: this disc also boasts a promo video for the aforementioned song.

Young and brimming with vim and vigor, last week's "Saturday Night Live" musical guests will, as is customary for their species, throw new shit at you soon. According to NME.com, they plan to expand the single for "The View From the Afternoon" into an EP, fleshed-out with new cuts "Leaving Before the Lights Come on", "Do Me a Favour", "Three Episodes Where Someone Else Got in the Way", and "I Wish You Would Have Smiled in the Bakery". The EP is tentatively slated for release in April.

No-nonsense bassist Andy Nicholson told the NME, "We're going to finish the new songs, then we're going to record them, then we're going to play them live and stick them on a CD." After that Nicholson donned his pajamas, brushed his teeth, removed his slippers, said his prayers, and went to bed.