Pitchfork

Coldplay? More like Coldpretentious! If you thought those guys were annoying, just wait until you hear this:

Coldplay will launch yet another North American tour early next year, but we can't tell you all of the dates just yet. Why? In order for this allegedly top secret information to be revealed, fans must flock by the thousands to a new website launched by the band.

Every time the site, TalkTheTour.com, brings in 33,000 hits, a date is unlocked. There are 26 of them in all, 16 of which have been disclosed. Sheesh, that's over half a million unique visitors. And they're not even making this a benefit for anybody! C'mon, guys!

Plus, the rest of the dates aren't even that secret: Ticketmaster already lists a Tampa, Florida show that hasn't been announced by Talk the Tour, and today's Chicago Tribune Red Eye announced a March 30 performance at the United Center.

Visitors that register to Talk the Tour will be able to view the video for Coldplay's new single, "Talk" (hence the name). In addition to this, those who tell their friends have a chance to win The Grand Prize: a call from Chris Martin, free front row tickets to a show, a meeting with the band, and a trip to the 2006 Grammy Awards. See you on the red carpet, Gwynnie.

The more you click, the more we have to tell:

01-25 Seattle, WA - Key Arena
01-26 Vancouver, British Columbia - GM Place
01-30 Sacramento, CA - Arco Arena
02-01 San Jose, CA - HP Pavilion
02-03 Las Vegas, NV - MGM Garden Grand Arena
02-19 Denver, CO - Pepsi Center
02-22 Auburn Hills, MI - Palace of Auburn Hills
02-23 Louisville, KY - Freedom Hall
02-26 Dallas, TX - American Airlines Center
02-27 Oklahoma City, OK - Ford Center
03-04 Orlando, FL - T.D. Waterhouse Centre
03-05 Tampa, FL - Ford Amphitheatre at the Florida State Fairgrounds
03-20 Cleveland, OH - Quicken Loans Arena
03-22 Toronto, Ontario - Air Canada Center
03-30 Chicago, IL - United Center
04-03 Manchester, NH - Verizon Wireless Arena
04-04 Uncasville, CT - Mohegan Sun Arena
04-06 Philadelphia, PA - Wachovia Center

In other Coldplay-bashing news, Gigwise.com reported earlier this morning that when asked which celebrity should burn in hell, the Darkness' Justin Hawkins responded with a big ol' Chris Martin! As a man who bought his own album on eBay to keep it from leaking, we think Hawkins can be trusted. We present Martin with a one way ticket to hell... and not back.