I'm not repulsed by this track because Peaches is an almost 40-year-old woman rapping about sex, but rather because she sounds like a 40-year-old man rap-rocking about sex. One more fatherfucking vapid track built on flaccid electronic drumbeats and it'll be time for Miss Nisker to re-educate herself in The Teaches of Peaches. I commend her Title IX-like quest to abolish misogynistic epithets like "slut" and seamlessly meld gender roles into one egalitarian orgy, but here she overcompensates for her femininity. She should've just sampled "Bawitdaba" if she was aiming for asshole rap rock, and yet her faux Kid Rock riffage somehow falls even shorter. Can't say I'm surprised by this bomb considering Peaches's meteoric dive from Teaches to Fatherfucker, though she better get that groove back soon-- her biological clock's ticking.

Because Run-DMC and their groundbreaking mash-up forced everyone to listen to Aerosmith again. Because Phil Collins samples were featured in songs by DMX and Bone Thugs-N-Harmony (and because many hip-hop stars once recorded Collins covers for a misguided tribute album). Because Kanye West, Questlove and Common really, really like John Mayer. Because Jay-Z wasted hours of his incalculably valuable time just kickin' it with a man named Chester Bennington. Because The New Danger was one of last year's most disappointing albums. Because the Judgement Night soundtrack is trash (that's right, nostalgia boosters-- even Sonic Youth and Cypress Hill).

All those reasons and more should have given pause to Ludacris and Sum 41, but it's mighty hard to avoid the Island Def Jam umbrella. So after the second most disturbing rap-rock performance in Saturday Night Live history (here's looking at you, Paige & Puffy), the biz rejoiced and sent the offending parties into the studio so they could record this glorified iTunes adware. See how cool the internet can be?!

Like many things, Macho Man Randy Savage's new single "Be a Man" is best understood in the context of Hulk Hogan's 1995 album Hulk Rules. The subject matter of Hogan's rap-rock opus was overwhelmingly positive, encouraging children to eat their vitamins and even immortalizing in song a young Hulkster who'd died of leukemia ("When the Hulkster comes to heaven, we'll tag up again"). Now, in a move unsurprising given Savage's proclivity to faux-backstabbing and empty threats, Macho Man disses Hogan for, among many reasons, his purported effeminacy and his Hollywood forays: "They call you Hollywood? Don't make me laugh, 'cause your movies and your acting skills are both trash!!"

Let's pass over the musical merits of "Be a Man" (okay, there aren't any); Savage speaks for himself: "I like this! A little hip-hop mixed with a little bit of rock-and-roll!" And let's pass over the hogsheads of irony inherent in one washed-up wrestler making a rap-rock record that trashes another washed-up wrestler for doing the same eight years ago. What fascinates me about "Be a Man" is how thoroughly it encapsulates nearly every misconception about hip-hop culture. Since, from the sound of it, Savage has most likely never heard any rap that didn't start with "Kid" or end with "Rock", his asinine assumption that the genre is only a vehicle for negativity seems almost as ridiculous as the fact that this even got released.