Pitchfork

If this is what independent music has come to, things are a lot worse than we could have ever imagined. It's understandable that total junk rules the mainstrem airwaves. We've come to expect that ever since Shakespeare and the Globes went to number one with their horribly cliched ballad, "I'll Deflower You" in 1602. Ricky Martin-- who apparently had fat and plastic removed from his head and reinserted into his pectorals to give him the look of a guy who used to be kind of cut but has since stopped working out and is just on the verge of going completely ex-lineman on us-- seems destined to make millions off the Summer Hit of '99 which he hath wrought.

Today, the most completely inept jingle skyrockets to the top of the charts. In the year 2000, look for the Jimmy Jam (featuring Jimmy Page) Remix of "Baa- Ba- Baa- Baa- Buh (The Pepsi Song)" and a new funk- metal band called Poop to rule the charts. In this sad climate, something as inconceivably horrible and derivative as Wolfie could score a hit. But here's the joke-- Wolfie are so incompetent at their instruments they can't even hope for that much. Instead, they cater more toward the art- school freshman class who will, just minutes from now, proclaim that I "just don't get it."

There's a sort of Twee License that plagues pop music. Audiences seem to cut some slack for a band if they're "cute." Aww, ain't Wolfie cute?! "Where's Wolfie?! Where is he?! I can't see him! Peek-a-boo! There he is! I see Wolfie!" And after seeing Wolfie pound on a drumset and keyboard they obviously just got for Christmas from Service Merchandise, I proclaimed to a friend, "My lord, that's total junk."

"But it's pop, Brent! It's just supposed to be like that. You're not supposed to think about it." Really, have we come to this? Why has bad pop become excusable because of its inherent property of being labeled pop? Why can Wolfie randomly wail, "Bah- Buh- Bah- Ba- Ba- Ba- Ba" without thinking how it relates to the song or chord progression at all? And, alright, let's just say you're really into pop. It's just pop. I can show you a stack of great pop music! That's what I'm here for. Check out the Wrens or Super Furry Animals, who bore into your skull with inhuman hooks while still maintaining a progressive, wildly creative edge.

Where's Wolfie opens with the "Pinwheel"- esque "Little Bee is Dancin'." Wait, Wolfie, shouldn't that be "Li'l Bee is Dancin'?" I don't think it's cute enough as it is. This song introduces the jangled pounding that continues throughout the album. "Steely Dan" is so incompetent that it manages to make Bis sound vaguely techinically accomplished. Wolfie's other signatures and trademarks-- aside from their self- conscious cute-ass antics-- are repetition, fumbling, and "Sweet Valley High" poetics. I offer "Busy Busy Busy" and "Knew It, Knew It" as examples. I'll give you three seconds to figure out how those songs go.

Alright, if you guessed "Busy Busy Busy, Bah Bah Bah Bah Bah," you're damned close. Another scary aspect of Wolfie's music is their ability to brainwash kids who just don't know any better. Check out what other zines have said about Wolfie:

"Lots of "na- na- na's" and "la-la's" to sing along with. If you like happiness, you will like Wolfie. If you don't, you're a meanie and I don't like you." --Big Orange Crayon
"If, however, you love tapping your fingers and bobbing your head to wonderfully creative music, then Awful Mess Mystery [Wolfie's full- length debut] is a surefire favorite." --Signal Drench

These zines should look up "cloy" in the dictionary. This, honestly, is enough to make us at Pitchfork want to give up. "Wonderfully creative music!" My god! With all sincerity, that breaks my heart. Maybe I should write a two- chord song about my feelings and impress the guy that runs Signal Drench. I think I'll call it "My Wittle heart is All Pitter- Patty." It will go G C G C D and it'll have some moog- stabs in there. I'll get a girl in a tight t-shirt to go "la-la-la" over it.

If you enjoy attending the Annual High School "Battle of the Bands," by all means, pick up this album. But if you really want good pop music, please go get a Beatles album, the Nuggets box set, Pet Sounds- era Beach Boys, the Magnetic Fields, Weezer, Built to Spill, Heavenly, Velocity Girl, the Charlatans UK, the Wrens, Chisel, the Pixies, the Cardigans, Blur, Edsel, the Wrens, Sloan, Supergrass, Karate, the Crabs, the La's...